Do I make you horny baby?

Or were you horny before you saw my ad?

Sex drive is a funny thing. There’s definitely a physical element to it, but your mind plays a huge role in how amorous you feel.

A photo or video might take you from zero to one hundred in seconds.
Or you might just wake up hard as steel and ready to go.

Or perhaps your mind is very much there, but your body isn’t playing along. You’ve never wanted me more, but no matter what you do you can’t get it up. Or if you’re a vulva owner, you might find yourself bone dry.

Firstly, let me reassure you: this is completely normal. It happens all the time, especially for people meeting someone new.

I’m not taking it personally, and there is a lot more to sex than penis-in-vagina (PIV) penetration, so it truly isn’t a problem.

Being horny is not always accompanied by a hard dick or a wet pussy. The best way to know if someone is into you isn’t by checking how hard or wet they are. It’s by asking them, or by reading their body language.

And trust me — I can read you just fine.

I know that when you’re laying down the coin you may have certain goals in mind. But things don’t always go exactly to plan, and that’s okay. We can enjoy each other in many different ways.

So I encourage you to relax, stop apologising, and make out with me while I grind on your thigh.

The Myth of “Sex Drive”

Now that we’ve got that out of the way, I’d really love to talk about the idea of “sex drive”.

I believe the book Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life by sex educator Dr Emily Nagoski should be required reading for anyone who wants to have great sex — or even a successful relationship.

One of the key ideas Dr Nagoski explains is that rather than having a simple “sex drive”, we actually all have two systems working together:

A sexual accelerator
and a sexual brake pedal

It’s not enough to be turned on. We also need to not be turned off.

If you try to drive a car while the brakes are on, you’re not going to get very far.

Everyone’s Brakes and Accelerators Are Different

Just like cars, everyone’s accelerator and brake pedals have different levels of sensitivity.

Some people are easily turned on and not much gets in the way. That means their accelerator is sensitive and their brakes are light.

(Me, for example.)

Other people take longer to move from zero to one hundred. In those cases, it’s often necessary to first remove whatever is pressing on the brakes before adding pressure to the accelerator.

We’re all individuals, and what triggers our brakes will vary.

But one major factor affects almost everyone.

Stress.

Stress: The Ultimate Boner Killer

Stress is a survival mechanism.

If your brain thinks you’re in danger, it’s not a great time to be thinking about reproduction.

Thousands of years ago that danger might have been a lion.

Today it’s deadlines, financial pressure, burnout, or the endless mental load of modern life.

Your nervous system doesn’t know the difference.

So when stress levels are high, it’s incredibly common for sexual arousal to drop off.

For me personally, if I’m feeling “threat detected” energy, my vagina basically clamps shut. Which is one of the reasons I trust my instincts when screening clients. If alarm bells are ringing in my head, I’m simply not going to be able to relax into the experience.

That doesn’t mean someone is necessarily a bad person. But if something feels off to me, I listen to that signal.

Feeling safe is essential for good sex.

Why Couples Often Have Mismatched Sex Drives

There’s a common belief that men simply have higher sex drives than women.

Often this belief comes from situations where a man wants sex more frequently than his partner.

But in many cases what’s actually happening is that the woman still has her foot on the brakes.

If the brakes stay engaged — stress, resentment, exhaustion, feeling unsupported — then the accelerator can’t do much.

Removing those brakes might look like:

• helping reduce stress
• creating emotional safety
• sharing responsibilities
• giving someone time to relax

Once those brakes are lifted, many people discover their partner’s sexual desire comes roaring back.

My Personal Brakes and Accelerators

Since we’re talking about this concept, here’s a little cheat sheet for interacting with me.

My brakes

Stress, rudeness, entitlement, one-word messages, rate negotiations, boundary pushing, ignoring consent, negging, unsolicited dick pics, or behaviour that makes me feel unsafe.

Those things will shut the whole system down very quickly.

My accelerators

Kindness, politeness, feeling safe, thoughtful compliments in appropriate settings, good conversation, gentle touch, shoulder massages, neck kisses, light caresses, remembering what I enjoyed last time, and partners who actually listen when I say what I like.

In other words: curiosity, attention, and respect.

If You Want to Improve Your Sex Life

If this concept resonates with you, I strongly recommend reading Come As You Are in full.

The book talks about men’s and women’s sexuality, performance anxiety, erectile difficulties, and the ways our minds influence our bodies far more than we often realise.

From a very sexually active woman’s perspective, I can say that the book was incredibly accurate and relatable. It helped me understand myself much better, and many of my very sexy friends have said the same thing.

If reading isn’t your thing, the audiobook is excellent too.

For the cost of a book and a few hours of your time, you could gain a completely new understanding of desire, connection, and pleasure.

Highly recommended.

SPEND TIME WITH ME

If this idea of brakes and accelerators has you thinking about your own desire, you’re very welcome to explore that curiosity with me. Some lovers enjoy relaxed Girlfriend Experience sessions, where we can slow down, connect, and let attraction build naturally without pressure.

Others come specifically for educational sessions, where we talk about things like performance anxiety, communication, and understanding your own turn-ons and turn-offs. If you’re someone who needs time to get comfortable or decompress before intimacy, longer bookings or overnights can be especially helpful, giving us space to relax, chat, and let the brakes come off naturally. You can explore the different ways we might spend time together on my menu of experiences, and see what feels most aligned with your curiosity.