Why I See Sexworkers

Recently, my bestie, absolute babe and top human being, the gorgeous, talented and very intelligent Evie Elysian wrote a blog about the myriad of reasons why people see sexworkers.

I loved this blog and I encourage you to read it by clicking here.  It’s a piece that talks about all the lovely things that sexworkers offer, but also touches on some of the prejudice and stigma surrounding sexwork. Not just towards workers, but towards the people that see them. 

Discrimination against sexworkers is rife and affects our daily lives in a big way.  Most of the sexworkers I know are very proud of what they do and actually cherish the fuck out of this work, but ultimately are not fully “OUT” with their work and are very choosy with who they disclose to, because a lot of people are just not going to be on board with it. This leads to us distancing ourselves from our own families and communities to protect ourselves.

There are some big voices out there advocating for the end of sexwork discrimination and they are doing an amazing job.  But something that is talked about a bit less is the shame thrown towards our clients.

The number of clients who I’ve seen that comfortably talk to their mates about seeing me I could count on one hand. It’s very taboo to see a sexworker. Yes, there are quite a few people are seeing sexworkers behind their current partner’s back, and cheaters will get heat from a lot of people. My personal standpoint is that if you’re going to cheat, sexworkers are a better choice than dating someone at least, as they tend to take higher responsibility for their sexual health, and will not create additional drama in your life, it is truly No-Strings-Attached aside from the monetary aspect.

But I’m also seeing a lot of single or polyamorous clients who, even though they champion sexwork, know they would cop a lot of flack about “paying for it” and would be very hesitant to admit that they do.  Simply put, by society-at-large, clients of sexworkers are perverts. Sexworkers are the lowest of the low, filthy and diseased, and people that see them must be sick in the head if they want to have sex with them.  Or, they are desperate, unfuckable and wildly unattractive.  I’ve even seen this rhetoric come from inside the house, from sexworkers, and also from clients, who still think other clients must be awful, but they are different.

This particular mindset within potential clients keeps them from booking, keeps them from pursuing their own self-care, and is just another form of whorephobia.

The fact is, clients of sexworkers are normal, everyday people from all walks of life. Some are young, some are old, some smell bad, some smell divine (they both have to shower anyway), some are conventionally attractive, a lot of them are wonderful human beings with kind and generous hearts. Absolute catches, good people, 10/10 would recommend. Most are just average, ordinary guys. And yes, some are also women!  But all of them are performing a much needed act of self-care.  

What I would really love to see is more clients being more vocal in their advocacy, so that society as a whole can see more examples of how normal it is to be a client of sexworkers, as we won’t see change in the way “people” see sexworkers and sexwork clients unless more voices speak up about it. I have written a blog about My Typical Client, which you can read here if you would like to know more about the types of people who see me – it’s someone you know.

We are providing more than just sex – we provide intimacy, we provide care, we provide companionship, we provide a soft space to fall when someone is really going through it and just needs a hug, a listening ear.  We provide education and give people the opportunity to practice intimacy and connection in a low stakes environment, so they can feel more confident going out into the big scary world. And we can talk about all that until we are blue in the face, but it would be nice to see men standing up for us too.

I encourage you, as a client, to talk to others about your positive experiences and try to make your mark on normalising seeing a sexworker, as this makes an impact on how others will think of clients AND workers.

Speaking as a client…

I’m not just a sexworker, I’m also a client to other sexworkers, here are some of my reasons for seeing sexworkers.   These categories were covered in Evie’s blog, and here is my personal experience of them.

Queer Exploration

I was conditioned into heteronormativity and lived a comp-het life for decades (please google comp-het if you don’t know what it is, that is an important conversation). I eventually bravely let go of those ties and realised that I was pansexual, which means I’m attracted to all kinds of people, regardless of gender. I had plenty of experience with men, but I wanted to pursue women and I was scared.

Sexworkers gave me a safe, understanding space where I could explore queer sex without having to worry about being bad at it.  I have learned so much about how to pleasure a women by paying for the experience, so much so that I was able to feel confident in the dating world across the whole gender spectrum. 

Nowadays, I’m so confident with queer sex that I offer it as a service and even teach queer sex to clients myself. The level of confidence in my abilities would have taken a lot longer and caused a lot more heartache if I had tried to do it via Tinder. Instead of using people, I paid people fairly for their time and for the opportunity, and it was very easy to find people to do this with by using sexworker directory websites and social media.

Putting my pleasure first

My whole branding is my pleasure, so you might be surprised to learn that I actually used to really struggle with this.  My journey into sexual awakening was an intentional decision and I used sessions with sexworkers of various genders to work through this. 

It’s so valuable to have a space where I can unashamedly ask for what I want and have someone respond “sure would you like fries with that?”  I’ve had a fair few experiences of asking a partner, having them getting in their head about doing things wrong all those other times, then having to manage their feelings of self-worth and suddenly its all about their emotional regulation, instead of my pleasure.  My genuine pleasure was always sacrificed in place of an ego boost for them and I was faking orgasms instead of learning my body.

I’ve built enough communication skills to be able to ask for these types of safe containers with clients and with personal partners now, but I still sometimes enjoy going to see a sexworker when I want to test the waters on something new and I’m single or if know my partner isn’t going to be suited to what I’m seeking.

Intimacy on tap

I believe starting a relationship with someone so that you won’t feel lonely is a shitty framework for a relationship, and it’s much more cost effective and better for your mental health if you stay single and engage with sexworkers occasionally.

I’ve called upon sexworkers when I have being feeling lonely, touch-starved or sad. I’ve booked sexworkers to chat and cuddle, and to cry in their arms. I’ve booked sexworkers to touch them, I’ve booked sexworkers to have them touch me. I’ve booked sexworkers for happy ending massages done MY WAY, and I’ve booked sexworkers because I was just straight up very, very horny and no one on my roster was available, or if I want something specific I know a partner isn’t able to provide.

I’ve visited brothels, I’ve booked independent workers, I’ve even booked my own friends, creating a transactional container where I feel less pressure to give back.  I’ve booked sexworkers when I didn’t have the capacity or desire for building a relationship with someone new but still wanted intimacy. 

I get to be weird

I know that if I’m in session with a sexworker, there is a list of things they won’t do – and other than that I can ask for pretty much anything I want.  I can get so, so weird with it! Sexworkers are so on board with trying new things for the plot, and love direct communication.  I can be so oddly specific with my requests, and know that I won’t feel shamed or judged. The worst I will receive is a NO, usually paired with suggestions for alternatives.  With partners, there is the concern that they might see you differently, or misunderstand you, and it could lead to a change in the relationship dynamic. There is also the strain of feeling like I should give in return, when sometimes I don’t have capacity for that.

My most recent booking with a sexworker involved me talking a bunch while getting a foot massage, followed by them cradling me in their lap while I rested my head on their shoulder and they squeezed me tight. Then for more pressure, they laid on top of me and crushed me with their body weight for a bit, like a human weighted blanket. That’s what my body wanted in that moment, and I walked out of there feeling totally blissed out. Your booking can look however you want, you just have to find the right provider.

With sexworkers, I get to be a very unfiltered, unedited version of myself and I fucking love it.  I also book fetish providers so that I can indulge in specific fantasies and know I can be very honest about exactly what I want, then I trust them to provide those things.  Sexworkers are clear with their boundaries, which makes them very easy to navigate.

What an incredible resource. What a beautiful, wonderful, important service that sexworkers provide.  I am proud to be a sexworker, but I’m also proud to be a client of sexworkers.  I don’t think of it as a luxury at all.  Intimacy and connection is a fundamental human need and booking a sexworker is an act of self-care.  Yes, it is expensive.  But when I think of the cost on my mental health, of where I would be without it, I think its worth every penny.

Come be weird with me!

As a provider, allowing people space to be weird is one of my absolute favourite things. I feel so privileged to be trusted in this way, it’s a beautiful thing.

We can explore all your hearts desires, even if that’s armpit sniffing, or bouncing atop giant balloons together, or letting you plant your face between my breasts and sighing with relief while I stroke your hair. You like feet? I have two! You want to reach your tongue inside my arse as far as you can then just leave it there for a while and enjoy the tingles all over your body feeling like you’re finally home? I got you.

Perhaps you want to be wrapped in clingfilm and have your face ridden. Maybe you want something in your butt. Maybe something small. Maybe something big. Maybe you want me to slowly crawl all over you with my fingertips like they are spiders on a reconnaissance mission. Maybe you want a sexual exorcism. Maybe you don’t know what you want and just want to try a bunch of things to see what clicks for you.

We don’t kink-shame in this house, we celebrate authenticity, creativity and exploration. As long as no one is getting hurt, and everyone involved is being respected, it’s all just a bit of fun, and it doesn’t have to “mean something”.

It’s also a space where it’s okay for you to have “weird” conversations, to ask frank questions, to make honest disclosures, and really, genuinely talk to someone. And it’s a space where you can engage with your sexual difficulties, sexual trauma or even just your own unique idiosyncrasies with someone that won’t take it personally.

Maybe you can’t maintain an erection, or you struggle with premature ejaculation. Or you have weird feet, you have a disability, you’re socially awkward, you’re a virgin, you’re exploring your gender, you hate your body, you don’t want certain parts of your body touched. None of these things matter to me, I will respect your boundaries and make it work, and feel nothing but gratitude for the trust you have put in me.

I encourage men to think about what they really want when they come to see me. Men often find it difficult to engage with non-sexual connection, due to social conditioning. So when they are in need of intimacy and connection, they will automatically associate that with being horny. But perhaps what they really need is a chat and a good cuddle. Those are fully on the cards with me, and with most sexworkers.

Women do not tend to have this problem as much. My femme clients have all been quite specific about what they are looking for, having done some serious self-reflection prior to booking. What does your body need? What does your mind need?

I always wonder what more I could be providing to people, that they are afraid to ask for. In writing this, I want to let you know, I’m completely on board with being weird, that is my home. All you have to do is ask. And you know who else digs weird? Evie. She’s licked her own arm on camera for several minutes by request. People ask for that?! YEAH! And bloody good on them, because THAT is honesty.

TELL US ABOUT YOUR POSITIVE EXPERIENCES

I would love for clients to share their own stories of engaging with sexworkers, and how it has had a positive impact for them. I have opened comments below and look forward to hearing other voices on this topic. Appreciate you!