Erectile Dysfunction or: How I learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Foreplay
In this blog, I’m going to have a chat about Erectile dysfunction (ED), and my experience of it, as a sexworker who works with people who have it.
Erectile Dysfunction used to be referred to as impotence, ED is the standard go-to nowadays, its more medically accurate and carries less social stigma.
A lot of people ask me for strategies to fix ED, while others may have incurable conditions, or conditions that will take a while to recover from and they want advice for navigating sex while they have it. I have written about both.
Given how much I have to say on both elements, I thought it would be helpful to give you a sort of framework – a table of contents, if you will.
- I’m going to tell you why I’m talking about this.
- I’m going to explain in non-medical terms what ED is.
- I will foreshadow that I will talk about non-PIV sex later.
- I will talk about how common ED is, and suggest you see a doctor.
- I will talk about people who think they have ED, but don’t.
- I’m going to address anxiety and stress.
- I’m going to suggest you check in with yourself the next time it happens and figure out what thoughts are coming up for you in that moment.
- I’m going to suggest various options for dealing with it in the moment and talk about the importance of the mind-body connection and how being present makes you a better lover and may also cure your ED.
- I talk about how to navigate this topic with your partner, whether its a sexworker, someone you are dating, or a long-term partner.
- I’ll touch on why PIV isn’t as important as you think it is.
- I’m going to talk about how you can still be a good lover, while having ED.
- I’ll discuss how you can still enjoy sex yourself, while having ED.
- I’ll talk about how to important communication is.
- I’ll outline how to book a sexworker, when you have ED.
Like I said, I got a lot to say.
Why am I getting questions about this?
In my role as a sexworker, I have met a lot of men that just don’t feel comfortable talking to anyone else about this topic. I might be the only sexual partner they have had in a while, or they might be scared to go to the doctor. They also might want to get in front of it so as to not make me uncomfortable, so it’s a topic that comes up.
I have previously spoken online about being completely comfortable having sex with people that have ED, so I have become something of a safe space for this chat.
I have some clients who already have an action plan for their ED, and want someone to have sex with so they can practice the newfound skills that they have being learning about with their therapist or sex coach.
Others have not sought help yet, but think they might have an issue and want to come test out their dick on someone that isn’t going to be judgmental or offended. I truly do not care if you get hard or not, if you fuck me or not, and I do not take it remotely personally.
I offer sex coaching and sex education sessions myself, with hands-on or conversational only learning opportunities over a variety of topics. I love helping people explore their bodies (and mine).
I regularly have great sex with people who struggle to get or maintain erections. I’m very happy to pivot into other activities when penetrative sex isn’t going to work. To be honest, I actually don’t get much penetrative sex at all. 30% of my sexy bookings with men do not involved any penetrative sex, Of the bookings that do include penetrative sex, the overwhelming majority of them only include a couple minutes worth, or less.
So even if ED is not a concern, I’m still used to and very comfortable with engaging in other types of sexual activities, especially since I’m a practising pansexual who is not remotely tied to the heteronormative structure of what sex should be. More on that later., lets dive into the hard and soft of ED.
What is erectile dysfunction?
Erectile dysfunction (ED) is a term typically used to describe when a man is regularly unable to get and/or keep an erection that allows sexual activity with penetration. It is not a disease, but a symptom of some other problem, either physical or psychological or a mixture of both. Blood flows into the erectile tissue of a penis, makes the penis hard. In this situation, the blood either does not flow in, or does not stay there. Click here to read a more scientific blog – I’m a whore, not a doctor.
I say “typically used to describe” because erectile dysfunction can present in everyone else too, not just cis men. Both penises and vulvas have erectile tissue, and dysfunction can occur in both.
For people with vulvas, ED can result in a lack of arousal, a lack of lubrication, or difficulty climaxing.
For people with penises, ED can result in not being able to maintain an erection, and therefore not being able to perform penetrative sex. They may also experience the same lack of arousal or difficulty climaxing. For this blog, I will be focusing on ED presenting in cis-men, because this is the majority of my clientele.
If you are of the vulva-owning persuasion, and you’re wondering right now if you have, or have had ED, this is a super interesting topic and you should check it out online. I have suffered from ED myself in the past, during a period of depression.
Penis-in-Vagina Penetrative Sex (PIV) has long held a special place in society’s heart.
This focus on PIV as the ultimate expression of sexual intimacy can create immense pressure, particularly for those experiencing erectile dysfunction. When society places such high value on penetrative sex, it can lead to feelings of inadequacy, frustration, and anxiety for individuals who struggle with ED. This pressure can turn what should be a pleasurable experience into a source of stress and self-doubt.
I truly want to help you on your journey of ED recovery, and there are a lot of ways to go about that.
But I also want to point out that a lot of the pressure you may feel is unfounded – because PIV doesn’t need to be the main event. Reframing our understanding of sex can be incredibly liberating. By letting go of the notion that penetrative sex is the pinnacle of sexual expression, individuals can explore a broader spectrum of intimacy that prioritises connection, pleasure, and mutual satisfaction.
Lets talk a bit more about ED before I go on my free love tangent
Erectile dysfunction is very common and becomes more common as men age. An Australian survey showed that at least one in five men over the age of 40 years has erectile problems and about one in ten men are completely unable to have erections. With each increasing decade of age, the chance of having erectile problems increases. As you get older, other concerns are more prevalent, such as prolonged or excessive alcohol or drug use, diabetes, heart conditions, prostate conditions, thyroid, hormones, nerve function and a whole gamut of potential culprits. If you’re experiencing difficulties getting or maintaining an erection more than 50% of the time, then you should head to your GP.
Your GP might be able to prescribe either lifestyle changes or medication that can help you. They might also have some very bad news for you, and while thats scary, it’s better that you know sooner rather than later.
However, if you’re under 40 and have reasonable physical health, or you’ve been given the all clear by your doctor, your ED is likely to be psychological. Stress, anxiety and depression are the main contributors and this is something I see in my line of work quite often.
Garden variety stress and anxiety
General stress and anxiety in your life is going to have a variety of negative impacts on your health, and not being able to get a hard-on because work or relationship stress has worn you down is pretty common. If you’re able to see a therapist or read some self-help books to learn some strategies for managing your anxiety, AND work to improve your lifestyle so that you can relax, you’ll probably find your dick will start showing up in the ways you want him to. Its important to recognise the impact that stress has on your life, including your dick. It doesn’t necessarily mean you have ED, it might just mean you need a day off work, a massage or a friend to vent to. Walking into a sexual encounter while your head is a buzz with stressors is not setting yourself up for success.
What is NOT erectile dysfunction?
An occasional inability to get a hard-on is not ED. Penises are weird and wonderful things, and also sensitive souls. There are a lot of factors that can result in your inability to get it up, such as sleep, diet, stress levels, nervousness and also how long its been since the last time you came. If you can’t get it up every time you meet someone new, but once you get to know them you go fine – that’s not dysfunction, that’s normal.
All sexual function operates far better when you feel safe and comfortable with the person you are with. If you’re on edge because you’re in a new social situation, that will have an impact on your dick. It might make it hard to get hard, or it might make you cum faster than you’d like, or not be able to cum at all. This is a common concern, this is not ED, this is just garden variety nerves, and honestly if you do not have this issue then kudos to you, you’re brave as hell.
If you can get hard, but during sex your erection disappears then requires stimulation to come back – this is also standard. I have had conversations with quite a few men that thought it was normal to be rock hard the whole time, but that is not the case. Yes, some men can maintain an erection for 45mins straight. But they are the outliers, and usually aged under 30 in my experience). Dicks usually require some stimulation to remain hard, and dicks have limits of what they are willing to do for you.
As someone who has had experience with hundreds if not thousands of penises at this point, I can see the patterns emerging. One of the major patterns I see is men thinking there is something wrong with them, when they are actually quite normal.
This is particularly of concern because one of the leading causes of your dick not working is anxiety about your dick not working, so if you think you have a problem, that will potentially give you an actual problem. You might be giving yourself performance anxiety.
Performance anxiety
Performance anxiety is a significant factor contributing to ED, as it creates a cycle of fear and self-doubt that can inhibit sexual arousal and physical response. When a man feels pressure to perform, or fears that he may not meet his partner’s expectations, this anxiety can lead to heightened stress. This makes it difficult to relax and become aroused. The worry about performance, or worrying about failing to achieve or maintain an erection can overshadow the enjoyment of intimacy, causing his body to respond with tension rather than relaxation. It’s a vicious cycle! You worry about performing, so you can’t perform. Its anxiety about anxiety that causes even more anxiety next time.
How can we break that cycle? Dear reader, I’ve got you.
You have to acknowledge a problem before you can manage a problem
If you think you might have ED, that’s actually fantastic. I know it can be threatening to your masculinity to think on it directly, but getting to a point where you are ready to talk about it is the way to recovery.
Pop along to your GP, have a chat, get some tests done. ED can be an indicator of various serious health conditions and you need to take it seriously.
If you struggle to get or maintain an erection while playing solo, it’s a good indicator that you have something physical going on, but it could still be caused by psychological factors if you have shame surrounding masturbation, if you have general anxiety, if your stress levels are high or if you are depressed or lonely.
If you have no problem getting hard for yourself, then psychological factors are likely the issue. Depending on the depth of your anxieties, I may be able to assist with a few sessions in the sheets, or you might need to go on a whole year-long self-discovery journey with a whole team of care professionals.
And of course, having a physical health concern impacting your ability to get hard is likely to cause anxiety. So to me, all signs are pointing to figuring out your mental state, regardless of what the doc says.
It starts with being present
It’s common for thoughts to run away a bit when you are trying to have a delicious sexual encounter and he’s just not doing his job. It’s also common for him just not doing his job BECAUSE your thoughts have run away for a bit.
So, a strategy for next time. If you are experiencing difficulty maintaining an erection, take a moment to check in with your thoughts. What is your internal voice saying.
Are you thinking about work? Are you actively worrying about finances? Are you checking the time every couple of minutes because you have to be somewhere else soon? Do you just have other stuff on your mind that you can’t push aside?
OR are your thoughts completely on the experience of the person you are with? Are you concerned that they might not be having a good time? Are you thinking about what you need to do next in this dance to ensure their pleasure? Are you wondering what they are thinking? Are you analysing their movements and reactions out loud in your head?
OR are you thinking ohmygodmydickisn’tworking I’m such a loser fuck fuck god damn it why can’t you just work what’s wrong with me oh no she’s going to think I don’t like her fuck fuck fuck…
Being present literally means experiencing the present with your mind and body, instead of thinking about other times. All three of these examples above indicate that you are not being present in your body. When you’re actively thinking thoughts like the above, you’re pulling yourself away from the moment and instead focusing on the future or the past. Your body is here, but your mind is on other things.
The mind-body connection is an integral part of working on ED, and other sexual dysfunction as well, such as premature ejaculation, lack of enjoyment, and lack of orgasm.
How to switch off your thoughts so they can stop getting in the way
So, you’ve checked in and noticed your thoughts. What’s next? You let them pass you by like a cloud in the sky. You notice them, you allow them, you let them pass. If you have ever done meditation, this will sound familiar to you, but I know its actually, really fucking hard to do that, especially when you are trying to be in the moment with your babe and anxiety is mounting. I have some suggestions for you.
Stop having sex.
Recognise that you’re not in the moment. The thing about you not being there, is that the person you are with is not going to be enjoying you as much as they could be. You’re not being attentive to your needs, or to theirs. Be honest, be authentic, tell them you would like to take a little break, or need to stop. If you are honest about the reason, you don’t have to worry about them taking it personally. If you are honest and they do take it personally, you might want to provide additional reassurance, and if that doesn’t work, you have bigger issues in your relationship and you should address those.
If you’re distracted by other things
In the case of being with a sexworker, it’s so fine (and happens reasonably often) when clients say “Hey I think my mind is elsewhere at the moment, I’m worried about work, would you mind if we take a little break so I can pop out and check my emails and make a phone call? Then when I come back, I will be able to relax into the moment more”. You can also pre-empt this at the start of the session – “would it be okay if I take a quick break around 1pm so I can check my emails?”.
With non-SW, you might be concerned about hurting feelings or giving a bad impression. In that case, saying something like “I’ve been really looking forward to doing this with you, but at the moment I have something on my mind that’s going to be a distraction for me. Would you mind if I set an alarm so I can remember to check for this important email at 1pm, then I can come straight back?”. You might find that they would prefer to reschedule, but would likely appreciate your honesty and would also appreciate having the option to opt out of a super-mid sexual experience.
If you’re focused on the other person’s experience instead of yours
I want you to know that this is not attentiveness, this is performance anxiety. True attentiveness and responsiveness happens in mind and body at the same time, naturally, as a result of being present. If you are thinking a whole bunch about what the other person is experiencing, you are going to give them a worse experience than if you just let go and focused on your experience. You’re also unable to fully enjoy your own sensation if you’re worrying about the other person’s experience. I think the key to exiting this mindset is to acknowledge the logic of it, to fully realise the truth of it and accept it as truth. Reading this blog might be all it takes. Maybe you’ll need lots of practice (I humbly offer myself as tribute). Maybe you’ll need hours of journalling, and therapy, and regular meditation. It depends on how strong your conditioning has been.
Here’s how it works though. If you are fully focused on your experience, fully in your body, paying attention to the sensations, these sensations also include sight and touch and hearing. So, while fully in your body, enjoying your own experience to its exquisite depths, you will also be able to notice the other person easier.
You will see them easier, feel them easier, hear them easier, without your mind running rampant and overanalysing the other persons motions. This is the space where you can be the most attentive to your partner’s physical needs and wants and desires. When they say what they want, you are genuinely listening, and you can respond without anxiety or preconceptions. When they pull away or lean in, you notice and can change up what you are doing on a dime. You do not need to be actively thinking and worrying about their experience, in order to give a good experience. You just to be present, in your own experience.
If you’re beating yourself up about your dick not working
This is also performance anxiety. Its never helped anyone. Being berated by yourself is not a sexy time, you’re turning yourself off, and you’re probably turning your partner off too. Recognise this is an unhelpful habit. Recognise that these thought patterns are what makes you a terrible lover, not your soft dick. Honestly. Its unattractive. Nobody wants to have sex with someone that is spending their time beating themselves up, or playing victim to their circumstances.
Did I just give you even more ammunition to bully yourself with? Yes. Is this helpful? Yes, I think so. You’re a bully! That’s what works for you at the moment. You need to go get some better tools, but you’re mid-thrust right now, you can deal with that later.
If you’re going to bully yourself about something, bully yourself in a useful way. Think of the voice that is telling you you’re a loser because your dick doesn’t work as Bully #1. You need to create Bully #2 to come in and bully Bully #1. You’re already having an internal battle, you may as well make it a fair fight. Crowd out those negative thoughts with new ones, it might be what you need to get hard again in that moment. And then? Go see a therapist.
It important to acknowledge that are having destructive thought patterns, fuelled with negative self-beliefs. Depending on how deeply engrained they are, you either need to see that one right Instagram motivational quote, or you need a team of professionals. Maybe its steeped in trauma, maybe its Maybelline.
You have a problem. You should do some growth work as soon as you can, it’s very likely impacting your life and relationships in a multitude of ways, and your inability to get an erection is just the tip.
Back to those in-the-moment strategies though. Telling the person you are with that you are struggling is a great idea. This may lead to the sex ending. Let people have that choice. This may lead to them reassuring you, which will help you relax so you can continue. Let people have that choice too.
If you have the language available, you can say something like “I’m really getting in my head about not being able to get an erection at the moment, and that’s going to make it harder… well, not harder, you know what I mean”. This can open up conversation about how you’ve been beating yourself up about it, that you are genuinely so fucking horny for them right now and you really want to be hard but its just not happening. Which can lead to conversations about other activities you could engage in, “I would love to make sure you’re having a great time, how else might I be able to pleasure you” or “can we make out some more, I was really enjoying that and I think I need to go a little slower”.
What you should NOT do is say “ugh this fucking thing doesn’t work this isn’t fair!” because that’s just going to give people the ick. Its not the size of your dick anxiety that matters, its what you do with it. Self awareness goes a long way.
How to deal with insecure partners that take your semi personally
But Ember! Not everyone is as enlightened and respectful and non-judgmental as you! What do I do if I’m with someone that takes offense to my lack of erection? I genuinely thought they were hot, but they have tried so many things to get me hard and its not happening.
I know this is a common experience. I’m super confident that you think I’m hot. You just paid me a whole bunch of money to be with me – ME! Out of the hundreds of other SWs you could have chosen, you chose me, and you gave me all this money. Then you came in gave me a big hug and your whole face is beaming and you say “its so good to see you, I’ve been looking forward to this all day/week/month” and then I escort you to the bedroom and open my silky robe and you go “WOWWWWWW” and I push you towards the bed and make you sit on the edge of it. Then I flounce my big firm round spectacular titties in your face and you make a little grateful moaning sound and run your hands all over me and bury your face in my titties and I hear that muffled “oh my god.”
You know what just happened there? You just gave me a whole stack of reassurance. You being in the moment, being in your joy, being present with me, led to you expressing your excitement for spending time with me.
I think a major disconnect that happens in dating is that you get to nervous to be that expressive, and the pressure is off with a sexworker. You know the parameters of the transaction, you know my boundaries, you know where this is going, you know I’m going to be nice to you, so there’s a lot less riding on this interaction. And as a result, you’re able to actually show up for me, and make me feel not only comfortable, but like I’m a magical sorceress or goddess or an angel sent from heaven. That’s one hell of a confidence boost and wonderful reassurance to me. So when the pants come off and little John just isn’t vibing, how could I possibly take that personally?
So tip one, if you’re dating with ED, make sure you aren’t also trying to play it cool. If you’re already giving off disinterested vibes, then you don’t get hard, your date is going to connect certain dots. If you set the tone of expressing your excitement, that goes a long way.
If you are honest with them about the way you are feeling, and they can’t take it on face value, then they have their own stuff going on. Depending on who they are, perhaps you want to support them through that, or perhaps you want to stop dating them. It’s up to you to decide what capacity you have to show up for others. Communication is an important first step. Having a discussion about ED outside of the bedroom, letting them know how common it is, and how it’s a you-thing, not a them-thing, and telling them about how you are working on it, that is all going to pave the way for a better relationship. If you don’t feel comfortable having those sorts of conversations with them, you probably shouldn’t be having sex with them either.
What if it’s your long-term partner?
If you are in a long-term relationship and didn’t previously have ED, but now you do, communication should be your top priority. Whether your partner has expressed feeling insecure or not, it’s good to check in with them and see how its impacting them.
Recognise that you may have stopped providing that enthusiasm that would have previously reassured them of your attraction to them and make an effort to reinstate that.
Reassure them that you are looking into possible causes by seeing a GP and a therapist. Ask for patience, grace and gentleness on the subject if you are feeling anxious about it. Ask them for chats about other sexual activities so you can find other strategies for experiencing pleasure together. Involving them in your journey of self-discovery and growth is a beautiful way to connect on a deeper level and will make them feel valued.
Maybe it IS them
You might have to acknowledge that the person you are with just isn’t doing it for you. Perhaps you are no longer attracted to them due to underlying relationship issues, or perhaps you are forcing yourself to date someone you actually don’t like because its better than being alone. In these cases, see a therapist! Whats going on there man?
PIV is not the brag you think it is
I’ve sexted a fair bit in my time and I can tell you that I have heard a lot of this:
“I could do this all night”
“I’m going to fuck you for hours”
“When I’m done with you, you won’t be able to walk”
And anytime someone has said that, then they actually come over, they usually cum in about 30 seconds, or they can’t get hard at all. I think that saying these things puts a lot of pressure on yourself, so you probably shouldn’t.
But also, it’s a generally pretty undeliverable thing. Most men do not last that long, and those that do require breaks. I’m absolutely keen for a jackhammering session but it’s rare and usually what that looks like is a couple minutes of jackhammering, followed by a very tired and sweaty jack who wants to have a bit of a laydown while I grab him a drink of water.
I was recently taken to pound town by an actual porn star and he needed regular breaks and also may I add did not stay rock hard the whole time, but experienced standard fluctuations in hardness like anyone else. They usually edit these bits out of pornos, and this has created an unrealistic expectation of what men and penises are capable of.
I have previously dated someone who I lovingly referred to as Jackhammer Jake to my friends, physically very fit and young, and while genuinely capable of 20+ minutes of bam bam bam without a break, that would mean he couldn’t get it up at all the next day.
Hours though? Absolutely not. No thank you. Even if you were physically capable of that, I wouldn’t want it. After a while, even with all the lube in the world, that sort of friction will either begin to hurt, or will just make my vagina walls go numb. There is a limit to how much PIV is pleasurable, even when you are doing it right and have just the best god damn cock the world has ever seen.
Could I take a dick for an hour? Yes, with regular lube application. Do I want to? No.
Rethinking Sexual Satisfaction
In many cultures, penetrative sex is often heralded as the ultimate expression of intimacy and sexual fulfillment. However, for most women, penetrative sex is not a common or effective way to reach orgasm. In fact, studies indicate that most women (statistically speaking at least 80%) require direct clitoral stimulation to achieve orgasm, and cannot orgasm from penetration alone.
This idea that women should and do orgasm solely from penetration is actually something that the Catholic/Christian Church started pushing around the 1800s (or was it the 18th century? Need to fact check later…) in order to control the masses and enforce patriarchal rule. It was a response to a sexual revolution happening at the time in the western world, where wives were starting to get it in their head that they should also get to enjoy sex, rather than being used by their husbands as objects.
Rather than arguing the point, the church spread the word that if you were a good Christian, you would enjoy penetrative sex from your husband, and if you enjoyed other things this meant you were going to hell. This was wildly effective and led to the centuries long Faked Orgasms Fad that is still pervasive today. (Source: Who Cooked The Last Supper by Rosalind Miles).
The patriarchy hurts us all. If you have ever felt bad because you couldn’t make a woman cum with your dick alone, that was the patriarchy’s fault.
I am able to orgasm from penetration sometimes, but I would have required other stimulation prior to that, and its still very dependant on size, shape, angle and technique. If you just come in and start fucking me, without other stimulation, I not only won’t cum, it feels like a very unsexy medical procedure at best, or its painful. The thing that makes it possible for me to orgasm from penetration is the level of engorgement I have in the erectile tissue of my vulva and vagina – e.g. how erect I am. If I have a very engorged pussy, I’m going to be closer to orgasm, then a variety of stimulation types could get me there, including penetration.
If you have a penis you can probably relate to this – its easier to cum if you are hard.
Engorgement of my pussy can be achieved through various routes, some are physical, some are psychological. I prefer both. I want you to set the mood and turn me on mentally, AND I want you to touch me in all the ways I like.
You can provide a very delicious sexual experience for someone without ever bringing your penis into the equation. If your goal is for your partner to have a great time, there are all sorts of methods of foreplay that will allow you to do this. Just ask lesbians! Queer sex comes in a variety of forms and I have enjoyed all sorts of hot orgasmic activities at the hands and mouths of people who didn’t have a penis, or chose not to use theirs.
So, what do women really want? There is no specific motion of your tongue or hands that is going to drive all the girls crazy. Women want you to know that they are unique individuals, and they want communication. They want you to communicate, and they want you to create a safe space for them to communicate. People do actually come with instruction booklets. If you would like to practice this, I am happy to volunteer as tribute for this also. Teaching communication during sex is the most important part of my education sessions.
It’s a Toy Box, not Pandora’s Box
Another way your partner might enjoy receiving pleasure is via the use of sex toys. Rather than detracting from the sexual experience, these devices can complement and enrich it, offering new avenues for exploration and satisfaction. By embracing sex toys as allies rather than threats, you can provide wonderful sexual experiences, strengthen your connection, and redefine intimacy in a positive light, regardless of the challenges posed by ED. It may take a lot of work to navigate insecurities surrounding toys, seeing them as competition, but this is worthwhile work. You are more than just your penis, and if you can de-couple your worth from your penis, you can have a really amazing time with toys.
What about me?
Perhaps your concern is not how to please others, but how to enjoy the sexual experience yourself. You might not be able to get or maintain an erection, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have a good time, or that you don’t want penis play.
Once you’ve done the work to move past all the intrusive thoughts and bullshit, you may find yourself on the other side still feeling very sexually frustrated because you love PIV and can’t get it to happen as much as you would like, or at all.
If you’re having unprotected sex and your partner is comfortable with it, and you have enough size, there’s always “the stuffing method”, or “pushing rope” where you still engage in penetrative sex, you’re just not fully hard. You might even be able to get hard enough to put it in, then get softer but keep going. I can tell you this sensation inside my pussy is actually quite lovely. It feels very intimate having your squishy member inside me. This is very difficult to do with anal penetration but reasonably doable with a vaginal penetration as long as other stimulation has occurred first.
I do not offer unprotected sex, but if you are someone that can get hard enough to put a condom on, then penetrate, then get a bit softer, I’m happy to proceed as long as one of us is holding the condom in place at the base of your penis. There is a size requirement here to make this possible. This also works for anal, if you are able to get hard enough to penetrate, you’re kinda just clenched inside me at that point, so it doesn’t matter a great deal if you soften.
I’m also happy to perform oral on you if I am able to get a condom on you, and I know this is pretty standard practice with everyone else I have worked with. Some SW do also offer uncovered BJs.
Unprotected handjobs with plenty of lube are pretty standard, and the usual go to, absolutely happy to provide these when penetration and oral sex is not possible, but you still want direct penis stimulation.
I think the most important tip I would give here is to provide encouragement and advice. If you are laying there starfishing and quiet AND soft while I’m giving you pleasure, I’m going to assume you do not like it, so I will stop.
If you are saying “that feels great”, “mmm just like that”, “yes yes”, “a little faster… oh yeahhh that’s it” then people are more likely to give you the type of stimulation you want.
If you know your body, and you know you can cum without getting hard, or that you’re only going to get hard as you cum, or if you know you won’t cum but love the stimulation anyway, we love to know this in advance! Just share that information so we are not left wondering what the goal is. Be communicative. Tell us if you want us to go softer, harder, slower, faster, to change technique, or to touch you somewhere else entirely.
Some men require additional stimulation to get there, such as nipple play, anal play, kissing, use of toys, or even impact play. If you can figure out what works for you, you can then ask for it.
If you have no idea what might work for you, and want someone to explore with, I’m so down for that. I also have a variety of sexy friends who enjoy this sort of work as much as I do, if you would like to experience combining a variety of sensations in a way that needs more hands and mouths.
How do I book a sexworker if I have ED?
Clear communication. Just send a message saying something like:
“Hey Ember, I would love to book you for 3 hours on Wednesday at 3pm for GFE. I just wanted to mention that I have ED…”
“so I might not be able to get hard. I would really love to come pleasure you though, and I’m not too stressed if I don’t finish.”
OR
“and I don’t usually get hard til I’m just about to cum, but I really enjoy touch anyway and can show you the ropes”.
OR
“so I might need a little reassurance from you if I get in my head”.
OR
“and I just want to go with the flow and see what happens, but we might not end up having sex”.
OR
“and I need to have some getting to know you time at the start so I can relax into the space”.
OR
“and I like to include some extra stimulation such as XYZ to help things along”.
OR
“and I’m just beginning to navigate that and will like some assistance with trying a variety of things to see what works for me”.
How long of a session should I book?
It depends on your goals for the session.
If you just want to have an intimate moment with someone and you love to give pleasure, you might find 30 minutes with me, spending the whole time eating me out and playing with my tits is exactly what you need.
If you want a bit more connection, but still want the focus to be my pleasure, then 1-2 hours is great.
If you feel really nervous meeting new people, or just want to build connection first, you might prefer to book 4 hours or even a full day. We can do something social first like a walk and talk, a dinner date or playing a boardgame, so you can ease into spending time with me before moving into a more intimate setting. You might also prefer to book a series of social dates prior to booking a sexual session, so you can really get comfy with me before the clothes come off.
If you’re wanting to explore and learn your body, or explore and learn my body, I recommend two hours as the first session. We will have a lot of ground to cover and do a lot of talking, but if we do that for more than two hours you might feel a bit overwhelmed and burnt out. Typically people benefit from several of these sessions, with the first being two hours, then ongoing sessions being shorter, longer or the same depending on the focus and the vibe.
Providing a safe space for you
Whatever your goals, experience level or where you are at in your journey with ED, I’m happy to provide you with a safe, comfortable, non-judgmental space where you can have frank, honest discussions and find your way back to pleasurable sexual experiences.
I also have a lot of wonderful friends that are happy to join us, and can recommend various professionals if you need help finding help. I believe sex should be a joyful, connective space, free of anxiety and worries, and I want to provide that to you.
Whether you just want to have a stress-free sexual encounter, or if you want to deep-dive on strategies, I’m happy to go in either direction, just let me know.
This was a very long blog, and if you made it to the end, good on you! You must be really invested in your journey of self-discovery and growth. I’m probably going to grab some of the non-ED specific parts of this blog and re-use them for non-ED related blogs, so apologies in advance if you see me repeating myself.
